“To not even think your name but keep it under my tongue, like a pill I cannot allow myself to swallow.”
I Guess We’ll Have to be Secretly in Love by Courtney LeBlanc
~
Inspired by a poem by Rosebud Ben-Oni with the same title.
~
To pull back, to not call
you love
or lover or gorgeous.
To not tangle –
my hands in your hair, my legs
in your legs. To not send
you birthday wishes
(which you hate to celebrate
but I love),
or a Christmas gift wrapped
in candy cane wrapping paper
(which I hate to celebrate
but you love).
To walk backwards
out of the ocean,
to not feel the sand being pulled
back from under our feet.
To not
feel like drowning.
To not smile
at your painted
toes. To say I love you
to another name. To not even
think
your name but keep it under
my tongue,
like a pill
I cannot allow
myself to swallow.
To not share
sushi or champagne –
to eat the whole
plate/drink
the whole bottle
myself.
To watch the days march
forward
without the ability
to freeze
time, to freeze
this moment,
to freeze
the way you look
at me in the morning.
To not have your brow furrow
when you realize
I haven’t slept. To never
sleep
again, to never hear
your heavy breath
or feel your arm reach
for me in the dark.
For sunrise to never
come, for the sun to stop
setting
behind the palm trees, to never
watch
the ocean swallow it.
To not remember
your tattoo
under my lips, to not trace
a path
with my fingertips.
To not breathe
the same air as you.
To not breathe.
To not.
*
Courtney LeBlanc is the author of the chapbooks All in the Family (Bottlecap Press) and The Violence Within (Flutter Press) and is an MFA candidate at Queens University of Charlotte. Her poetry is published or forthcoming in Public Pool, Rising Phoenix Review, The Legendary, Germ Magazine, Quail Bell Magazine, Brain Mill Press, Haunted Waters Press, and others. She loves nail polish, wine, and tattoos. Read her blog at www.wordperv.com, follow her on Twitter: @wordperv, or find her on Facebook: www.facebook.com/poetry.CourtneyLeBlanc.
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